Three Step Parenting: Keeping Your Cool and Providing Perspective

My little tribe that I attempt to impact in a positive direction daily. Anger always seems to creep in and here is how I deal with it. 

Anger Sometimes Gets the Best of Us All...

Being a father to four kids provides one with the chance to observe human behavior at an amazing level. One realization, that I have only come to after almost seven years of stumbling through this responsibility, is that my children view me as a god. I’m talking little “g” here in the classical sense. 

Kind of like the observations done in regards to native populations that encountered airplanes for the first time during or after World War Two. They witnessed these men flying in on machines and providing food for them. This was something that they could not do themselves hence it must be the work of a god. 

Our kids are much the same way in how they view us as parents. They are unable to feed themselves and still possess an almost genetic fear of the dark due to primitive predators that once lurked there. No wonder they love us because we fill a large void for them that they cannot fill themselves. We clothe them, feed them, provide light to them via a light switch, move objects for them that they deem unmovable. All of these things we do for them as parents;yet, every action we take is seen as that of a god. 

So there you go, you are a god or at least seen that way by your kids. For example, you tell them they can’t have a cookie until after dinner, you exit the room, they take the cookie, you return to the room and then ask them why they took the cookie. In their minds they cannot fathom how you were able to see them take the cookie. Hence you must be omnipresent. 

At some point, our kids begin to learn that we aren’t god but rather people like them. This accounts for teen rebel or other actions and attitude against our parental control. Until then, we own the status and responsibility as their god. So how are you doing on your godly report card? At times, I feel like I have “F”’s all the way across. 

In this constant age of parent shaming, some perfect ideal of what is imagined as a parent is thrown on instagram as the ideal. All this does is increase irritation as we attempt to imitate their insane and irregular behavior. Parents don’t act like that and the majority of it is just a show. 

Instead, we are comparing ourselves against an unfair ideal and causing our kids harm along the way. Just like our kids remember all of the good things that we do as gods, they remember and internalize all of the bad things we do as well. 

We,as parents, become frustrated with our kids and even more frustrated with ourselves because we cannot live up to the perfect model of a parent. So we lash out and when a god lashes out it causes scars. The scars our kids carry are most likely internal and emotional but some scars can be physical. Some parents strike out with physical violence but too many of us lash out with our words. “Honey, please stop singing, daddy has a headache” gets translated into my singing caused daddy’s headache and therefore I shouldn’t sing anymore. Or my mom gets angry when I cook because of the mess that I make so I shouldn’t cook because my cooking makes mom angry. 

Now none of us intend to do this as parents. We are tired, exhausted, and just completely worn out at the end of the day so when Johnny comes up squealing like a pig in an attempt to sing his favorite song; I get it. Never the less, our actions and words as gods carry consequences most of which are buried beneath the surface. 

Ask yourself, what emotional scars do you carry from your parents? Realize that it isn’t there fault. Most likely they were carrying their own scars and were just trying to do the best that they could do because, guess what, we are not gods. We are people and we make mistakes. Most parents are just trying to do the best that they can for their kids. Sure, we will possibly effect their behavior in some way that an outsider may see as an emotional scar, but I try to take the good with the bad and also realize that, at some point, I may have to provide context to them so that they understand. 

The most important thing is to realize that if you are reading this then you are most likely not one of those parents who is physically abusing their child. Also you are not and nor will you ever be one of those Instagram star parents getting everything done perfectly. Life operates in shades of gray and parenting is somewhere muted in the middle. Instead of sending ourselves into a depression or boiling over in anger, these three steps might help out. 

Step one, realize that the problem isn’t your kid and it isn’t your parents. Realize that there isn’t a problem at all but that the way you feel is a byproduct of who you are today. For example, you may yell at your kids out of frustration then get upset afterwards. The reason for this is because your parents yelled at you so it’s almost like learned behavior. Give yourself a break, realize there is nothing wrong with you, and seek out a way to break that cycle so that it isn’t passed on to your kids. 

Step two, give yourself a break. We will never be perfect parents. Our kids are not going to make statues of us and nor will our Instagram feeds be immortalized in a history book some day. What will be remembered are the good times and, for the bad times, we need to provide context for our kids when they are ready. Continuing with the yelling example, when your kid is ready sit them down and explain your childhood. Maybe even explain your parents childhood and say that each generation has tried to get better and that each group has reduced the intensity. The intensity and anger is still there, which doesn’t make it right, but the reason that it exist is legitimate. Unfortunately, it is a learned behavior that we, as parents, are trying to address. Basically you are stepping down from Mount Olympus and telling your children that you aren’t a god. You are flawed. You have scars. You are imperfect and that is ok. Most importantly, you love them and that is why you are having this conversation. 

The last step, show them that they are worthy. It sounds dumb but too often we don’t show our kids that they have worth. This creates issues with self image and healthy relationships later in life. We are all guilty of this so don’t feel bad or like a failure. These days everything serves as a distraction from television to phones to bills to everything else that goes with modern life. Be deliberate and set aside time for your kids and show them that they are worthy. This is one of my biggest regrets. I was an only child and hold my alone time dear. Sometimes the hustle and bustle is just too much. So set aside dinner time as sacred for the family or maybe a family game night or take your kids out on dates. Whatever it is, show them that they have worth and, in doing so, you will show them that you love them. 

Long story short, give yourself a break. Those that pressure us towards some idealized sort of parenting most likely wouldn’t want cameras in their homes 24/7. Trying to live against this standard puts too much pressure on us as parents and we transfer that pressure to our kids as frustration or anger. Take a step back, gain some perspective and realize that you are most likely doing better than your parents did with you and they were trying to do better than their parents. Just show your kids that you are a person and, as a person, you value who they are more than anything else. It all sounds so easy but, in practice, it takes discipline and being deliberate. That’s why I love my youngest waking up at 4 am. That’s right, I said I love getting thrown out of bed by him waking up because I get deliberate time with him and that is amazing considering he has three older sisters. Find those moments, take advantage of them, and cherish them. Now it’s time for me to take my own advice!